ashenputtel | IC Inbox

Balthus.

We should probably talk.

[Oh, boy. Ohhhh, boy. He can kind of already guess what this is about, and it's not that he disagrees with Yuri that talking is probably in order, but damn if we need to talk isn't one of those universal phrases that makes a guy freeze for a minute, either.]

Oh, hey, boss.

Yeah, uh. Guess that's probably a good idea, huh. Y'know, talking. Talking's important.

[Just play it cool, bros suck each other's dicks all the time — just look at him and Holst! It's probably fine. It's totally fine.

Besides, maybe it's not even about that, somehow! Maybe.]

( Uh-huh. Some bros suck each other's dicks all the time, sure, but there has to be a reason that neither of them got their act together over the last five years - right? )

Right.

I just wanted to make sure things are okay between us after the lake. This place has a way of making people do things like that, and

Yeah.

I guess you'll have figured that out by now.

Yeah. Yeah, it sure...uh. It does make people do that, doesn't it.

So, uh.

I dunno, Yuri. Do you want me to just forget about it? I don't want it to get in the way, or change what you think about me. I know I kinda took advantage of you and all, but I swear I'll make it up to you. And then things'll be okay, right?

Took advantage of me? B, you didn't

( Oh, Seiros. )

That's not what that was - or at least, that's not what it was to me.

Is that really how it felt to you?

...No. Not while we were...you know. Going at it. That was nice.

But I didn't try to stop it, either. Y'know? I just...let you. 'Cause I was only thinking about me, and not about you.

Hey. If I hadn't wanted to do it, I wouldn't have done it. You're not a client to me, you know? I didn't just let it happen because I had to.

So. Don't worry about it, is what I'm saying.

I'm glad it was nice.

[The relief he feels at seeing the phrase you're not a client to me catches him off-guard with how...powerfully it hits him. Because really, at the heart of everything, that was his lingering fear, wasn't it? That the way he'd acted would be reminiscent of something Yuri would rather not remember, or would hope to forget, and all of a sudden he wouldn't be Balthus anymore — just another untrustworthy noble to keep at arm's length.]

I gotta say, you had me a little worried when you yanked me into the lake.

That part wound up being pretty nice, though, too.

Yeah. Really nice, in fact.

Thanks for trusting me. I know you didn't really have to, and I know I haven't done much to earn it lately, but

It means a lot that you didn't just try to fight me, you know? It would have made sense if you had.

You mean my "lately", right? You're talking about how I'm still fresh off of that damn ritual of Aelfric's. But that's all five years behind you already, isn't it?

Tell me honestly. Do you really think I still blame you for that?

Five years in your future? No, I don't.

Right now, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not - but we don't have to go over all this again.

I know you trusted me in the lake, deserved or not. That's what matters.

Well, I guess now we know — I'd even try to breathe underwater on nothing but your say-so.

So. What do we do if it happens again? One or both of us, acting like that.

( Yuri goes quiet for a minute as the weight of what Balthus did for him finally settles in. He did try to breathe underwater for him, didn't he? He put aside all of his better instincts - looked a painful, horrible death in the face - all because of a whispered promise from a Trickster.

The fact that Yuri was telling the truth is neither here nor there. What matters is the fact that Balthus trusted him enough to place his life in his hands again - and that Yuri now finds himself wanting to protect that trust at all costs. )

Well, I suppose that depends on what we're both comfortable with, doesn't it?

( ... But they're still both going to outwardly ignore what they felt across their bond of synchrony, are they? Cool. Cool cool. )

I don't want sex to come at the cost of us being able to spend time together. If it's going to get in the way of that, then I'll figure out a way to make sure it doesn't happen again. You know me - I'm resourceful.

But. It was good, Balthus. Really good. I'm not gonna lie to you and deny that I liked it, or deny that I liked the fact that "it" was with you, because I did.

If you don't mind it happening again, then neither do I.

"I wouldn't mind it" is kind of an understatement, boss. If we're just talking about how we feel about it, I mean.

Listen, all cards on the table? The best part about it was that it felt like for that little while, you were just mine. Not the head of the Wolves, not the leader of Abyss, not the boss of your gang. You were just you and I was just me. And you were looking at me and I didn't have to share that with anybody.

If it came down to one or the other, I'd choose being your friend every time. If I can't have both, then I want you as my bro and my boss, not as my bedmate.

But I sure as hell wouldn't say no to having you look at me like that again, if I didn't have to choose between one or the other. That's all I'm saying.

Just me and just yours, huh? When you put it like that, it sounds like something you might have thought about before.

( A beat. )

... Have you? Is that what you meant with the whole "you mean in five years I've never" thing?

You're...kidding, right? Of course I've thought about you before. Who wouldn't?

I just would've thought that in five years of war, there had to have been a point where I thought we were all gonna die or something. Something that would've made me want to say something, so that I wouldn't go out with any regrets. I guess maybe we did better in the war than I thought, huh? If nothing like that ever came up.

I used to watch you get dolled up and go out on business and — I'd feel like such a scumbag. I never wanted to be anything like those bastards who'd pay you to be something for them. But maybe I was a little jealous of 'em anyway.

I'm kidding?

You get that I only ever saw you with women, right? We all know you're head over heels for your Best Buddy Holst, but even then — you never mentioned whether you'd done more than just enthusiastically compliment each other's muscles and send each other love letters.

( Filled with handfuls of pine needles, no less.

Anyway, give him a second to just - figure this out properly. Everything seemed so easy when they were wrapped up in Synchrony on the edge of the lake, but now? Yuri is of a mind to ask questions, not least because the fact that Balthus has apparently been sitting on this for a long time has come as a pretty big surprise. )

And, look. Don't compare yourself to my clients, okay? Don't do that. You're not a scumbag, and you've never been anything like a scumbag.

... Is that why you never said anything — even before the war? Because you were worried I'd think you just wanted to fuck me and forget about me, like they do?

Wait, you were watching who I spent nights with?

[Even as soon as he's said it, it feels like a stupid thing to blurt out. Is he really so surprised that Yuri would pay attention to who he was hanging around? Maybe not for romantic reasons, sure, but it'd be ridiculous to think he wouldn't be keeping tabs on his people generally, wouldn't it?]

And...sort of, yeah. I figured you'd think I had an angle, and then it'd all be about...angles. Even if I wasn't paying coin, you'd get something and I'd get something and then that's all we'd be to each other anymore, is guys getting something from each other. Just another transaction.

No offense, but there's a lot of places a guy can get a transaction like that, if that's all he wants. What we had going on was a lot more rare, so I didn't want to screw it up. I still don't, frankly.

Well not consistently, evidently, but there were times I'd be looking for you and end up finding you "otherwise engaged." You really could have picked better spots for your nightly activities, B.

( Pfft but this isn't about that, is it. )

Huh.

Honestly? You might be right about that angle thing. Angles is what I'm used to - I know I'm not the kind of guy that people take home to meet their parents, and I was so focused on trying to make my plan for Aelfric work ...

Looks like you might've made the smart call, there.

( Goddess, but he's skirting around the real questions here, isn't he. Does this place not make things even more transactional? How would it be any different from fucking in Abyss? Does it mean something that Balthus chose simply to never to mention the fact that he wanted him in their shared future together? )

You haven't screwed anything up. I'm just - surprised, is all.

... And I'm not very good at this, which you've probably already realised.

Like how you could've actually put your fancy shoes away instead of leaving 'em in the middle of the floor for me to break my neck on in the middle of the night, huh?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Hey, whatever you saw, I just hope you were impressed.

[BALTHUS...]

I'd take you to meet my mom. She'd like you, I bet.

But I'd do that whether or not we were sharing a bed, so that doesn't really change much of anything, either.

I'm guessing that means you never thought about me, though, right? I mean, if you were busy, and figuring I was a non-starter anyway. You'd have no reason to, probably.

Hey, now. Think of it like ... I made getting in late exciting for you.

( And he's sticking with it okok )

I have eyes, Balthus. Two of them. Of course I thought about you - I just never let it go beyond that, because I figured if you were interested in fucking me you'd have said something.

... Guys usually say something pretty quickly if they want to fuck me, but I don't

( The "typing" bubble appears, and those three little dots bounce back and forth inside it for a few minutes too long. )

I try not to want people. It never ends well: they spook when the find out what kind of life I lead, or it turns out that hey, they were actually engaged while we were together and they didn't actually want me that much in the first place. For a long time I thought being alone was what the Goddess would want for me - punishment, yknow? For the things that I've done.

I've been trying really hard not to want you since you showed up here, but.

( Head in hands. )

You're making it really pretty damn difficult, friend. You can't just tell a guy you'd take him to meet your mom and expect him not to feel a little warm about that.

Just when I think I've evaded another round of brigands and bounty hunters out for my head, there's Yuri's shoes lying in wait to do me in. Whew! What a dangerous life I lead.

[Still, the humor is nice. The fact that Yuri was willing to play along with it goes a long way toward setting him at ease — or at least, more at ease than he would've been otherwise.]

Listen, I know I'm usually the one paying up a debt in truths and admissions, but...

Did that happen? Someone leading you on like that. Running out on you. Someone did that to you?

( Quiet for a few minutes, then: )

Yeah.

I can't even really blame him. We were stupid kids with stupid dreams - but a respectable merchant's daughter is a way better life-partner option than an Enbarr whore. I know he only said that to end things quickly, but it's true.

It just hurt when I found out that there'd been some pretty significant overlap, is all.

Edited (B[) 2021-06-01 18:53 (UTC)

...I know how that goes. I mean when someone says something and it just — sticks with you. Doesn't matter if it's true or not, or even if you believe it or not. It's just...there. You can't un-hear it.

He must've been pretty special to you, though, huh?

At the time, sure. Afterwards, not so much.

IC Inbox | noctiumrp

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