ashenputtel | IC Inbox

Wait, you were watching who I spent nights with?

[Even as soon as he's said it, it feels like a stupid thing to blurt out. Is he really so surprised that Yuri would pay attention to who he was hanging around? Maybe not for romantic reasons, sure, but it'd be ridiculous to think he wouldn't be keeping tabs on his people generally, wouldn't it?]

And...sort of, yeah. I figured you'd think I had an angle, and then it'd all be about...angles. Even if I wasn't paying coin, you'd get something and I'd get something and then that's all we'd be to each other anymore, is guys getting something from each other. Just another transaction.

No offense, but there's a lot of places a guy can get a transaction like that, if that's all he wants. What we had going on was a lot more rare, so I didn't want to screw it up. I still don't, frankly.

Well not consistently, evidently, but there were times I'd be looking for you and end up finding you "otherwise engaged." You really could have picked better spots for your nightly activities, B.

( Pfft but this isn't about that, is it. )

Huh.

Honestly? You might be right about that angle thing. Angles is what I'm used to - I know I'm not the kind of guy that people take home to meet their parents, and I was so focused on trying to make my plan for Aelfric work ...

Looks like you might've made the smart call, there.

( Goddess, but he's skirting around the real questions here, isn't he. Does this place not make things even more transactional? How would it be any different from fucking in Abyss? Does it mean something that Balthus chose simply to never to mention the fact that he wanted him in their shared future together? )

You haven't screwed anything up. I'm just - surprised, is all.

... And I'm not very good at this, which you've probably already realised.

Like how you could've actually put your fancy shoes away instead of leaving 'em in the middle of the floor for me to break my neck on in the middle of the night, huh?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Hey, whatever you saw, I just hope you were impressed.

[BALTHUS...]

I'd take you to meet my mom. She'd like you, I bet.

But I'd do that whether or not we were sharing a bed, so that doesn't really change much of anything, either.

I'm guessing that means you never thought about me, though, right? I mean, if you were busy, and figuring I was a non-starter anyway. You'd have no reason to, probably.

Hey, now. Think of it like ... I made getting in late exciting for you.

( And he's sticking with it okok )

I have eyes, Balthus. Two of them. Of course I thought about you - I just never let it go beyond that, because I figured if you were interested in fucking me you'd have said something.

... Guys usually say something pretty quickly if they want to fuck me, but I don't

( The "typing" bubble appears, and those three little dots bounce back and forth inside it for a few minutes too long. )

I try not to want people. It never ends well: they spook when the find out what kind of life I lead, or it turns out that hey, they were actually engaged while we were together and they didn't actually want me that much in the first place. For a long time I thought being alone was what the Goddess would want for me - punishment, yknow? For the things that I've done.

I've been trying really hard not to want you since you showed up here, but.

( Head in hands. )

You're making it really pretty damn difficult, friend. You can't just tell a guy you'd take him to meet your mom and expect him not to feel a little warm about that.

Just when I think I've evaded another round of brigands and bounty hunters out for my head, there's Yuri's shoes lying in wait to do me in. Whew! What a dangerous life I lead.

[Still, the humor is nice. The fact that Yuri was willing to play along with it goes a long way toward setting him at ease — or at least, more at ease than he would've been otherwise.]

Listen, I know I'm usually the one paying up a debt in truths and admissions, but...

Did that happen? Someone leading you on like that. Running out on you. Someone did that to you?

( Quiet for a few minutes, then: )

Yeah.

I can't even really blame him. We were stupid kids with stupid dreams - but a respectable merchant's daughter is a way better life-partner option than an Enbarr whore. I know he only said that to end things quickly, but it's true.

It just hurt when I found out that there'd been some pretty significant overlap, is all.

Edited (B[) 2021-06-01 18:53 (UTC)

...I know how that goes. I mean when someone says something and it just — sticks with you. Doesn't matter if it's true or not, or even if you believe it or not. It's just...there. You can't un-hear it.

He must've been pretty special to you, though, huh?

At the time, sure. Afterwards, not so much.

I'm not trying to drag up a bunch of bad memories or anything, sorry.

It's just, I don't ever want to be like that, for you. A guy who lets you down. And we both know I'm not exactly a prize myself, what with the debts and the problems following me around, to say nothing of my witch of a stepmother.

I'm not saying I'd shy away from giving you a well-deserved punch in the mouth when you're asking for it, mind, but — if I ever really hurt you, I don't know if I could live with myself.

The scariest thing about all this is that I think I believe you.

...Hey. Let's have a wager, huh?

Pick a number, evens or odds. If I guess it wrong, you name your prize. But if I guess it right, then you have to answer a question of mine. Sound good?

It sounds familiar, if nothing else.

I've got my number. Let's hear it.

I'm feeling lucky today. I'm going evens.

12.

Hah! See? I knew I'd hit the jackpot sooner or later.

[Or at least that his little game would do what he really intended it to — let Yuri choose where to set the implicit boundary of their conversation, inviting more questioning from him with a win, or turning it back on him with a loss.

He would've won either way, probably, but here they are.]

Here's your question:

If you knew for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you were guaranteed to get it — what would you want? From this. Us. Me.

The jackpot, huh? I'm flattered.

( ... He's really doing this then, is he? )

Alright.

I'd want all of you. I'd want your sleepy grin in the morning, that space on your lap whenever I like, and I'd want to complain about your muddy boots and your useless bets while you try to kiss me like you did at the lake. I'd want sex — Saints, so much sex — and everything in between, and your honest counsel when I'm trying to do something new for Abyss, or the gang, or the halfway house.

I'd want to earn your trust, and I'd want to learn how to give you all of mine. With you by my side, and me by yours, I think we'd have a real shot at making something of ourselves.

Of our dreams.

If you could imaging having a life like that with someone like me, then. That's it. You and me, together.

Us.

You're the only one who's ever wanted all of me, Yuri Leclerc.

But what you just said there, all of that...it's not that different than what we'd be doing already, is it? It's not like we'd have to change all that much. We'd still be us, just apparently having a lot more sex while we're at it.

So I guess what I'm getting at is, does it still seem so scary? When everything you're dreaming of is just...us, being us?

... You know, anyone else might find your knack for making complicated problems sound so obviously simple kind of annoying, B.

But, you're right. Put like that it sounds like the easiest thing in the world — but then you're probably more used to having lovers than I am.

( Oh. Wait. )

... Assuming you understood I meant lovers, obviously. If you're thinking friends who have sex, then

( GRIM CHUCKLE )

I'm spoiling it, aren't I?

Not really. I mean, in this brand new thing we're trying, this is the part where I'd get to kiss you to shut you up, instead of just telling you, right?

Listen. How about we don't try to put a name on it too fast. 'Cause I know as soon as we stop talking you're gonna go off and read this over again twenty times and try to make a plan and think through — I hate to say it, boss, but you know I'm right — every angle.

(And before you get to thinking that you're the only one, I'll tell you I'm over here trying not to cheer so loud I wake up the neighbors, so it's not just you.)

All I'm saying is, let's both just say we're gonna try, and we'll figure it out as we go. All right? Let's be us, and we can figure out what that means a little more every step of the way.

... Well, I'm glad to hear you've already accepted my plans for the rest of the night, although I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm getting just a little too predictable.

Anyway.

Just trying, yeah?

That, I can do.

Maybe not to anybody else, but to me? I got your number, boss.

So let's get back to that part about you eyeing me up, huh? I mean, I'm not surprised. This iron bod's irresistible — it was only a matter of time, ha!

You think after laying myself bare like that I'm gonna turn it all around and do it all again about your "iron bod?"

Keep dreaming, pal. Maybe if you play your cards right, I'll tell you the story of when I first noticed you next year.

Hey, if you want a good long look at it, I'm more than happy to "lay myself bare" for you anytime, boss.

Wait, hold on. What if I want to know now?

Yeah? I might take you up on that.

And you're just gonna have to wait.

IC Inbox | noctiumrp

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